Well its been ages since i've posted and SOO much has changed! So, like the title says, I figured it is time to update. Now, where to begin....
First off, my job at the chiropractic office has FINALLY picked up and I work a normal schedule of M-F from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Its wonderful (even though I may complain about it from time to time ;]) I am really starting to catch on to everything and enjoy it, and most of the patients are REALLY great!
Second, I'm finally moving out of the apartment I've been renting from my grandpa since last Aug. Him and his wife Anna have been godsends by helping me out and letting me live there for so cheap to get me back on my feet. I will be forever grateful! I am pretty excited about my new place though, its more money a month but its updated and has tons of perks I've never had in an apartment. Washer and dryer, Dishwasher (praise jesus!) internet, cable, and a clubhouse for our unlimited use with a 24/7 workout room, hot tub, movie room, party room with full kitchen, pool tables the works. I'm VERY excited. Pictures to come when we FINALLY get moved in :]
Third, but definitely best of all, I've met someone. This one is the real deal. More real than anything I have ever felt before. So, the stats. His name is Adam, he is 31 years old. He has two wonderful children, Jaycee who will be 6 in Aug, and Jayden who will be 4 next month. He is kind, romantic, funny, generous, thoughtful, VERY attractive, and SOOO much more but I'm just starting to brag now ;] He manages the warehouse of Heaven's Best carpet cleaning as well as owns two of his own business' I got me a motivated one ;] I am over the moon happy, as in no words can explain how I feel and what I finally have.
Updates to come. Most importantly for now, I am happy.
love me.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Goals.
Alright, so I rarely blog, but once I get a steady internet connection back it will be an overload. promise.
So I have set a few goals for myself, this is where I get to keep track of them.
1. Eat fast food only once a week or less.
2. Set a budget and start sticking to it.
3. Take tia for more walks.
4. Keep my house much cleaner.
5. Do my dishes EVERY night.
6. Start being happy on my own and stop pleasing others.
Wish me luck! I have a feeling I'm gonna need it, even though these are all things to enrich my life. Wish I had more to say... The problem is I have TOO much to say and not enough time to say it all.
xoxo,
Love me.
So I have set a few goals for myself, this is where I get to keep track of them.
1. Eat fast food only once a week or less.
2. Set a budget and start sticking to it.
3. Take tia for more walks.
4. Keep my house much cleaner.
5. Do my dishes EVERY night.
6. Start being happy on my own and stop pleasing others.
Wish me luck! I have a feeling I'm gonna need it, even though these are all things to enrich my life. Wish I had more to say... The problem is I have TOO much to say and not enough time to say it all.
xoxo,
Love me.
Friday, March 4, 2011
being depressed...
Six years ago when I was a freshman in high school I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. I went to counseling for a while but had a really awful experience so I quit. Finally my sophomore year in high school my parents allowed me to finally be medicated. From there its been an up and down battle to find the right meds and a worse internal battle for myself. I self loathe because of my diagnosis. I hate myself for it. I hate not being in control. Of myself and my meds and my general Outlook on life. I hate how scary my reality can become in those dark moments. I hate being dependent on a pill. I hate ruining the friendships and relationships in my life. I hate jeopardizing my jobs. I hate not being in control of myself and my life. I would give anything to change this part of me. But I can't.. I have to learn how to deal with it. I will always say that I'm fine. But 9 times out of 10 I'm lying. I'm rarely fine.. or good. Or wonderful. I rarely feel as though mu life is good and fine. Even if it is or appears to be. But being depressed.. it doesn't make me crazy. I'm not on crazy pills. And I am worth getting to know... its not easy.. it never will be. For me, or anyone who sticks around.. but I'm human.. and I need to be love and accepted.. sometimes I need it more than a lot of other people because its what keeps me off the edge. It's what keeps me here.. right now I'm in withdrawals from my meds, I ran out and didn't set aside money to get more.. o finally asked my mom for help because I know I am a mess and that I need them.. as much as I hate them.. sometimes I just need patience.. and understanding... I just need someone to take the time to realize how.much I need someone to care.. even though I don't appear to deserve it... I'm not crazy. I'm clinically depressed and have anxiety.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
What I need...
This last week has been exhausting.
I will be honest.
I feel like I have nothing left to give...
My body hurts.
My eyes are strained.
Head is throbbing.
My energy doesn't exist.
I feel like I barely do.
On paper, and in my head, I know what it is I want out of life. I know what I'm looking for and what I need to find. But my reality... makes it feel impossible to go after those things... I know know how to break away, and become my own person.
I want a man.. not a boy, a man. The kind of man that can love me even when I don't deserve because believe it or not that will always be when I need it the most. I need the man who would be willing to drop everything when I need him, even if there is nothing he can do, but just to hold me. To take care of me, when I am busy taking care of everyone else. I need the man who can accept me for who I am and love me even when its wrong. The man who has the ability to make me believe I am as important to him as he is to me. Who won't put other before me and won't always have an excuse ready for why he's not around. I want a man who can see a future with me and isn't to afraid to find out if its meant to be. A loyal, honest, faithful man. Hardworking, funny, spontaneous and a little bit romantic. I need a man who sees my potential and pushes me as much I push him. Who can laugh through the pain and sadness in the world and just be there to hold my hand as we get through it, together.
I need a career where I can feel like I am making a difference each day, where I can help people, and leave them better than I find them. I need a job to challenge me. To make me feel like I worked for my paycheck and a job that I can love.
I need fullfillment, contentment, love, passion, loyalty, happiness, challenge, room to grow, courage, laughter, stimulation and everything else in between in my life, and my relationships...
Its all out there. I just need to discover my path to my paradise. I need to learn to open my heart and mind and spirit. I need to love again. I need to feel again. I need to learn to take in everything life has to give me, no matter how hard it may seem or scary.
much love.
xoxo-D.
I will be honest.
I feel like I have nothing left to give...
My body hurts.
My eyes are strained.
Head is throbbing.
My energy doesn't exist.
I feel like I barely do.
On paper, and in my head, I know what it is I want out of life. I know what I'm looking for and what I need to find. But my reality... makes it feel impossible to go after those things... I know know how to break away, and become my own person.
I want a man.. not a boy, a man. The kind of man that can love me even when I don't deserve because believe it or not that will always be when I need it the most. I need the man who would be willing to drop everything when I need him, even if there is nothing he can do, but just to hold me. To take care of me, when I am busy taking care of everyone else. I need the man who can accept me for who I am and love me even when its wrong. The man who has the ability to make me believe I am as important to him as he is to me. Who won't put other before me and won't always have an excuse ready for why he's not around. I want a man who can see a future with me and isn't to afraid to find out if its meant to be. A loyal, honest, faithful man. Hardworking, funny, spontaneous and a little bit romantic. I need a man who sees my potential and pushes me as much I push him. Who can laugh through the pain and sadness in the world and just be there to hold my hand as we get through it, together.
I need a career where I can feel like I am making a difference each day, where I can help people, and leave them better than I find them. I need a job to challenge me. To make me feel like I worked for my paycheck and a job that I can love.
I need fullfillment, contentment, love, passion, loyalty, happiness, challenge, room to grow, courage, laughter, stimulation and everything else in between in my life, and my relationships...
Its all out there. I just need to discover my path to my paradise. I need to learn to open my heart and mind and spirit. I need to love again. I need to feel again. I need to learn to take in everything life has to give me, no matter how hard it may seem or scary.
much love.
xoxo-D.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday. Feb. 25th 2011
Today started out in the hospital, I stayed the first night with mom after she had been admitted to the hospital for an infection due to complications from her surgery. We were woken up at 6:45 a.m. and the day began. I spent the morning with mom keeping her company and making sure her needs were being met.
At about 11:00 a.m. dad came to the hospital and he and I had lunch together before I gathered my thing and left to get ready to go to work for the afternoon. I went home, showered and got ready and went to work at 2:00. I was supposed to be going to be getting off work, going home to pack, and leaving for a weekend get a way to utah with a few friends.
Thats when my night changed, and my hell began.
I drove back to the hospital to see mom one more time before I left, not long after arriving there I got a text from my best friend saying there her husband and been in an accident, rolled his jeep, and hit a pole. I panicked. for her and for their family. She said that he was ok and wasn't hurt, but she was scared. Naturally. I hurried my visit with my mom to go be with her and make sure she was okay, insistent that I was still making the trip to utah even though the weather was bad and road conditions were awful.
I got to Brandi's house and made sure that everything was okay and that she was okay and calm. From there my night got worse. I recieved the phone call I never wanted to have. It was my mom. Trevor was on his way to the emergency room in the back of an ambulance. I lost it. I felt numb and yet hot and cold all over my body at the same time. I lost the ability to stand upright on my own and fell down to the floor. I recovered myself knowing I needed to move quickly. Through tears and quick apologies I left Brandi and ran to my car.
I arrived back at the hospital and sprinted to my moms room on the second floor knowing I needed to convince to her to stay lying helpless in a hospital bed while her baby was being brought with with god knows what. we knew nothing. The only thing my dad was able to find out during his wait in the ER was that they were transporting a non responsive male.
My world was crashing and my family was in turmoil, I knew I had to be strong until we knew more. As soon as I could convince my mom to let me go ahead of her to find out what had happened, and made sure the nurse knew under no circumnstance was my mom to leave her hospital bed. I raced back to the first floor and though the ER doors not knowing what I was going to find behind the curtain.
Thankfully Trevor was okay. He had suffered from a first time grand mal seizure with an unknown cause. He was out of it, but stable. They ran multiple tests looking for some answers but none were to be found. My dad and I just traded each other off between floors trying to keep everyone informed and calm.
Around 9:45 p.m. Trevor was released from the ER with Doctor's orders not to drive or operate heavy machinery and to rest for at least 2 days.
Mom on the other hand will be spending her 3rd night in the hospital hoping that the infection will clear and the doctors will be able to figure out what is causing it, how to cure it, and how to prevent it from coming back.
It made me realize first hand, how easily my family could have been ripped apart. How in the blink of an eye I could have lost one of the most important people in my life, and a piece of my soul. Today has been a long day, very emotional just letting it all process and sink in. Finally allowing my body to attempt to relax a bit...
Everyone asks what we need or what they can do to help, and I'm so thankful for them and their kind words and offers, but really.. what do I say? Please cure an infection so I can have my mom back? Please make my brother make better life choices so I don't lose him? Please remove all this stress from my dad so he doesn't continue to age and take years off his life? I mean, those are the things I wish I could ask for. That I wish more than anything someone could give to me. But its not possible.. so for now, all I know to ask for is prayers. Please pray for my family. Pray for our strength, and unity, and the power of healing. Not just physically but emotionally and for our hearts. All of our hearts were broken last night, I just can't express how grateful I am for the chance to mend them, and our second chance with Trevor.
Tonight, hug the ones you love and make sure they know their worth in your life, you never know how quickly you will lose that opportunity to do so.
xoxo-D.
At about 11:00 a.m. dad came to the hospital and he and I had lunch together before I gathered my thing and left to get ready to go to work for the afternoon. I went home, showered and got ready and went to work at 2:00. I was supposed to be going to be getting off work, going home to pack, and leaving for a weekend get a way to utah with a few friends.
Thats when my night changed, and my hell began.
I drove back to the hospital to see mom one more time before I left, not long after arriving there I got a text from my best friend saying there her husband and been in an accident, rolled his jeep, and hit a pole. I panicked. for her and for their family. She said that he was ok and wasn't hurt, but she was scared. Naturally. I hurried my visit with my mom to go be with her and make sure she was okay, insistent that I was still making the trip to utah even though the weather was bad and road conditions were awful.
I got to Brandi's house and made sure that everything was okay and that she was okay and calm. From there my night got worse. I recieved the phone call I never wanted to have. It was my mom. Trevor was on his way to the emergency room in the back of an ambulance. I lost it. I felt numb and yet hot and cold all over my body at the same time. I lost the ability to stand upright on my own and fell down to the floor. I recovered myself knowing I needed to move quickly. Through tears and quick apologies I left Brandi and ran to my car.
I arrived back at the hospital and sprinted to my moms room on the second floor knowing I needed to convince to her to stay lying helpless in a hospital bed while her baby was being brought with with god knows what. we knew nothing. The only thing my dad was able to find out during his wait in the ER was that they were transporting a non responsive male.
My world was crashing and my family was in turmoil, I knew I had to be strong until we knew more. As soon as I could convince my mom to let me go ahead of her to find out what had happened, and made sure the nurse knew under no circumnstance was my mom to leave her hospital bed. I raced back to the first floor and though the ER doors not knowing what I was going to find behind the curtain.
Thankfully Trevor was okay. He had suffered from a first time grand mal seizure with an unknown cause. He was out of it, but stable. They ran multiple tests looking for some answers but none were to be found. My dad and I just traded each other off between floors trying to keep everyone informed and calm.
Around 9:45 p.m. Trevor was released from the ER with Doctor's orders not to drive or operate heavy machinery and to rest for at least 2 days.
Mom on the other hand will be spending her 3rd night in the hospital hoping that the infection will clear and the doctors will be able to figure out what is causing it, how to cure it, and how to prevent it from coming back.
It made me realize first hand, how easily my family could have been ripped apart. How in the blink of an eye I could have lost one of the most important people in my life, and a piece of my soul. Today has been a long day, very emotional just letting it all process and sink in. Finally allowing my body to attempt to relax a bit...
Everyone asks what we need or what they can do to help, and I'm so thankful for them and their kind words and offers, but really.. what do I say? Please cure an infection so I can have my mom back? Please make my brother make better life choices so I don't lose him? Please remove all this stress from my dad so he doesn't continue to age and take years off his life? I mean, those are the things I wish I could ask for. That I wish more than anything someone could give to me. But its not possible.. so for now, all I know to ask for is prayers. Please pray for my family. Pray for our strength, and unity, and the power of healing. Not just physically but emotionally and for our hearts. All of our hearts were broken last night, I just can't express how grateful I am for the chance to mend them, and our second chance with Trevor.
Tonight, hug the ones you love and make sure they know their worth in your life, you never know how quickly you will lose that opportunity to do so.
xoxo-D.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Siblings.
First off, can I just say that I have the best, (and most handsome) little brothers in the world! This Sunday, is my parents 23rd wedding anniversary so to celebrate T. and I decided to take Little K, and go have sibling pictures taken, I'll let them do the talking. Enjoy :]
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