being depressed...

Six years ago when I was a freshman in high school I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. I went to counseling for a while but had a really awful experience so I quit. Finally my sophomore year in high school my parents allowed me to finally be medicated. From there its been an up and down battle to find the right meds and a worse internal battle for myself. I self loathe because of my diagnosis. I hate myself for it. I hate not being in control. Of myself and my meds and my general Outlook on life. I hate how scary my reality can become in those dark moments. I hate being dependent on a pill. I hate ruining the friendships and relationships in my life. I hate jeopardizing my jobs. I hate not being in control of myself and my life. I would give anything to change this part of me. But I can't.. I have to learn how to deal with it. I will always say that I'm fine. But 9 times out of 10 I'm lying. I'm rarely fine.. or good. Or wonderful. I rarely feel as though mu life is good and fine. Even if it is or appears to be. But being depressed.. it doesn't make me crazy. I'm not on crazy pills. And I am worth getting to know... its not easy.. it never will be. For me, or anyone who sticks around.. but I'm human.. and I need to be love and accepted.. sometimes I need it more than a lot of other people because its what keeps me off the edge. It's what keeps me here.. right now I'm in withdrawals from my meds, I ran out and didn't set aside money to get more.. o finally asked my mom for help because I know I am a mess and that I need them.. as much as I hate them.. sometimes I just need patience.. and understanding... I just need someone to take the time to realize how.much I need someone to care.. even though I don't appear to deserve it... I'm not crazy. I'm clinically depressed and have anxiety.