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What I need...

This last week has been exhausting.
I will be honest.
I feel like I have nothing left to give...
My body hurts.
My eyes are strained.
Head is throbbing.
My energy doesn't exist.
I feel like I barely do.

On paper, and in my head, I know what it is I want out of life. I know what I'm looking for and what I need to find. But my reality... makes it feel impossible to go after those things... I know know how to break away, and become my own person.

I want a man.. not a boy, a man. The kind of man that can love me even when I don't deserve because believe it or not that will always be when I need it the most. I need the man who would be willing to drop everything when I need him, even if there is nothing he can do, but just to hold me. To take care of me, when I am busy taking care of everyone else. I need the man who can accept me for who I am and love me even when its wrong. The man who has the ability to make me believe I am as important to him as he is to me. Who won't put other before me and won't always have an excuse ready for why he's not around. I want a man who can see a future with me and isn't to afraid to find out if its meant to be. A loyal, honest, faithful man. Hardworking, funny, spontaneous and a little bit romantic. I need a man who sees my potential and pushes me as much I push him. Who can laugh through the pain and sadness in the world and just be there to hold my hand as we get through it, together.

I need a career where I can feel like I am making a difference each day, where I can help people, and leave them better than I find them. I need a job to challenge me. To make me feel like I worked for my paycheck and a job that I can love.

I need fullfillment, contentment, love, passion, loyalty, happiness, challenge, room to grow, courage, laughter, stimulation and everything else in between in my life, and my relationships...

Its all out there. I just need to discover my path to my paradise. I need to learn to open my heart and mind and spirit. I need to love again. I need to feel again. I need to learn to take in everything life has to give me, no matter how hard it may seem or scary.

much love.
xoxo-D.

Friday. Feb. 25th 2011

Today started out in the hospital, I stayed the first night with mom after she had been admitted to the hospital for an infection due to complications from her surgery. We were woken up at 6:45 a.m. and the day began. I spent the morning with mom keeping her company and making sure her needs were being met.

At about 11:00 a.m. dad came to the hospital and he and I had lunch together before I gathered my thing and left to get ready to go to work for the afternoon. I went home, showered and got ready and went to work at 2:00. I was supposed to be going to be getting off work, going home to pack, and leaving for a weekend get a way to utah with a few friends.

Thats when my night changed, and my hell began.

I drove back to the hospital to see mom one more time before I left, not long after arriving there I got a text from my best friend saying there her husband and been in an accident, rolled his jeep, and hit a pole. I panicked. for her and for their family. She said that he was ok and wasn't hurt, but she was scared. Naturally. I hurried my visit with my mom to go be with her and make sure she was okay, insistent that I was still making the trip to utah even though the weather was bad and road conditions were awful.

I got to Brandi's house and made sure that everything was okay and that she was okay and calm. From there my night got worse. I recieved the phone call I never wanted to have. It was my mom. Trevor was on his way to the emergency room in the back of an ambulance. I lost it. I felt numb and yet hot and cold all over my body at the same time. I lost the ability to stand upright on my own and fell down to the floor. I recovered myself knowing I needed to move quickly. Through tears and quick apologies I left Brandi and ran to my car.

I arrived back at the hospital and sprinted to my moms room on the second floor knowing I needed to convince to her to stay lying helpless in a hospital bed while her baby was being brought with with god knows what. we knew nothing. The only thing my dad was able to find out during his wait in the ER was that they were transporting a non responsive male.

My world was crashing and my family was in turmoil, I knew I had to be strong until we knew more. As soon as I could convince my mom to let me go ahead of her to find out what had happened, and made sure the nurse knew under no circumnstance was my mom to leave her hospital bed. I raced back to the first floor and though the ER doors not knowing what I was going to find behind the curtain.

Thankfully Trevor was okay. He had suffered from a first time grand mal seizure with an unknown cause. He was out of it, but stable. They ran multiple tests looking for some answers but none were to be found. My dad and I just traded each other off between floors trying to keep everyone informed and calm.

Around 9:45 p.m. Trevor was released from the ER with Doctor's orders not to drive or operate heavy machinery and to rest for at least 2 days.

Mom on the other hand will be spending her 3rd night in the hospital hoping that the infection will clear and the doctors will be able to figure out what is causing it, how to cure it, and how to prevent it from coming back.

It made me realize first hand, how easily my family could have been ripped apart. How in the blink of an eye I could have lost one of the most important people in my life, and a piece of my soul. Today has been a long day, very emotional just letting it all process and sink in. Finally allowing my body to attempt to relax a bit...

Everyone asks what we need or what they can do to help, and I'm so thankful for them and their kind words and offers, but really.. what do I say? Please cure an infection so I can have my mom back? Please make my brother make better life choices so I don't lose him? Please remove all this stress from my dad so he doesn't continue to age and take years off his life? I mean, those are the things I wish I could ask for. That I wish more than anything someone could give to me. But its not possible.. so for now, all I know to ask for is prayers. Please pray for my family. Pray for our strength, and unity, and the power of healing. Not just physically but emotionally and for our hearts. All of our hearts were broken last night, I just can't express how grateful I am for the chance to mend them, and our second chance with Trevor.

Tonight, hug the ones you love and make sure they know their worth in your life, you never know how quickly you will lose that opportunity to do so.

xoxo-D.

Siblings.

First off, can I just say that I have the best, (and most handsome) little brothers in the world! This Sunday, is my parents 23rd wedding anniversary so to celebrate T. and I decided to take Little K, and go have sibling pictures taken, I'll let them do the talking. Enjoy :]

Simply my favorite <3

Such an incredible little boy.

I know- He is such a total stud!

My mama and daddy done good!

My best friends :]]

Thank you shelbie for doing such a splendid job!!

Heartbreaker...

You tell me that I'm beautiful but that could be a lie.

Are you a heart breaker?

maybe you want me for the ride...

What if i'm falling for a heart breaker?

and everything is just a lie...
Temporary happiness is like waiting for the knife..

Because I'm always watching for someone to show their darker side,

So maybe i'll sit back and just enjoy this for now.

Watch it all play out and see if you really stick around.
But there is always this one question

that keeps me up at night.

are you my greatest love? or disappointment in my life.

I met someone a week ago.. He is a nice guy. A lot of the things i'm looking for in my life. But I'm not ready to accept that, or him. I wait for him to be the heart breaker, that I expect him to be. I keep waiting for a day to go by when I won't hear from him. Or the plans we make to be cancelled for some annoying reason.. It hasn't yet... But I keep waiting for it. For now i'm taking it a day at a time... I would like to be more but I don't know if i'm ready for that.. he says he isn't so who knows what will happen.. but I don't hold out for much...

until next time.

xoxo-D.

400.

Wow, 400 page views, and 4 follows. What a quink-i-dink. Funny that my little angel's favorite number is 4. When I'm with him, EVERYTHING is supposed to be done in 4's. he is amazing. but that is a post for another day :] I'm feeling like maybe I want to jump on the bandwagon of doing a dorky, but totally awesome fun little give away. Just for hitting my little angel's favorite number.

So lets do it. 4 days. at 4:00 p.m., Sunday, Feb. 27th 2011 at 4:00 p.m. will be the cut off. so the challenge.... 4 things you have discovered about me from my crazy blogging, and 4 quirky things about yourself. Then I will randomly choose a winner!

Yay!

Can't wait to try my first blog give away...

xoxo-D.

2 a.m.

its 2 a.m. and i'm sitting at my moms... I should go home but for some reason haven't been able to peel myself off this couch.. A lot on my mind I suppose.

for starters... I ran across a blog earlier, of a girl I went to school with who blogs about her recent diagnosis and trials with depression. It brought on a lot of feelings for me... some of annoyance, some of admiration, fear, a many others. Most of you probably are familiar with the fact that I was diagnosed with clinical depression almost 6 years ago. At first I was annoyed with this peer because I thought, wow talk about needing some attention, and that she was living up to the stereotype... then i had to admire her, for being willing to be so open about it... something I struggle with outside a special few people who I know I can trust, and then fear.... how could she be so open.. about something so personal? Maybe one day I will reach total acceptance of my diagnosis, and I will be ready to talk openly about it. Until then, surprise! I am clinically depressed. For now thats as much as I can admit.

much love,

xoxo -D

Rebound...

I need to rant.

Just for a few minutes, about a couple different subjects.

1. The men out there who ALWAYS claim "nice guys finish last." Bullshit. They do not, but you guys, ha you guys deserve EVERYTHING you get. Why you ask? Because no matter how nice of a girl you have in front of you, even if she is the girl who has and will always be there for you no matter how big of an ass you have been, even if she is the girl who has rubbed your back after a long day at work, waited that extra hour for you, had plenty of plans cancelled at the last minute, and everything else that you have asked her to do... she will NEVER be the girl you invest your time in. You will ALWAYS, without fail, go for the prettier, faker, skinnier girl who will use you, abuse you, and leave you. Then you will always come back to your fall back girl. THAT is why you the UN nice guy will always finish last.

2. The skinny, fake, "pretty" girls. You bitches. Thank you, for taking EVERY guy us AVERAGE girls have ever been into because you CAN. Because it is some sort of game to you.. Thank you, for making those once decent men believe that ALL girls are fake, slutty bitches. Much appreciated. -Love the girls who will ALWAYS have our sparkling personalities and kind hearts after your FAKE looks fade. :]

3. People who use every social network and public forum to COMPLAIN! good hell... news flash!! no one has a perfect life! You are a hell of a lot closer to it that a lot of other people so SHUT YOUR MOUTHS!

4. People looking for a rebound. SURPRISE! i'm NOT her! so take a hike... lately I feel like those are the only guys i've met and talked to. Even better is when you claim thats not what i am, but before I know it you have taken back your slutty, cheating, lying ex girlfriend, if thats what you want to call her. GRRRR...... you DESERVE to have your heart broken, and stomped on. I on the other hand, am innocently standing by.... believing maybe you were a decent guy. WRONG AGAIN!

ok now that I have retired my broom for the evening....

Its been a nice uneventful weekend in my household... me and the dogs have been enjoying our downtime, as usual. Yes for those of you who don't know yet I said dogS... I have added another dependent to my household. His name is Ruger and he is a 2 year old shih tzu who I rescued from a bad situation. He is precious and def. completes my little family.

Much love,

xoxo D.

What do you want from me..

Why'd you call me today with nothing new to say?
You pretend it's just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.
Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin' to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin' me back where I've already been.
When we hang up it's almost like I'm losing you again.
Can't you see? So what do you want from me?

I get so tired of living like this.
I don't have the time, neither do my friends,
To stay up at night, to pull me through,
And to find the things to keep my mind off of you.

So, now tell me, What do you want from me?
Did you call to say you've found someone and I'm a used- to- be.
You keep takin' me back where I've already been.
If you've moved on why does it feel like I'm losing you again?
Can't you see? So what do you want? What do you want from me?

What do you want me to say?
That I'm content? That I'm on the fence? That I wish you would've stayed?
Oh baby what do you want, what do you want, what do you want from me?
To come here and make love tonight cause you're feelin' lonely.
You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been.
When we wake up and say goodbye it's like I'm losing you again.
Can't you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?
What do you want, what do you want from me?

Forget.

Forget his name.

forget his face.

forget his kiss.

his warm embrace

forget the love that you once knew

remember he has someone new.

forget him when they play your song

remember when you cried all night long.

forget how close you once were.

remember he has chosen her.

forget how you memorized his walk

forget the way he use to talk.

forget the things he use to say

remember he has gone away.

forget his laugh, forget his grin

forget the dimples on his chin

forget the way he held you tight

remember hes with her tonight.

forget the time that went so fast

forget the love, its moved, its past.

forget he said he would leave you never

remember now, hes gone forever.

Loads of Quotes

*Happy moments, Praise god.

Difficult moments, seek god.

Quiet moments, worship god.

Painful moments, trust god.

Every moment, Thank god.

*I don't think you're tough, I think your scared of love.

*Never forget your first everything.

*If the lord bring you to it, He will bring you through it.

*Are you my greatest love, or my greatest disappoinment in life?

*Forgive me, I always believe in love. I only wish that had been enough.

*I've got it through my head, I just cant break it to my heart. I can't believe I'm on the hurting side of pain.

*I believe in pink, I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.

-Audrey Hepburn

*People say you don't know what you have till its gone, Truth is you knew what you had, you jst never thought you'd lose it.

*In life you will always have those days, You'll make the wrong choices, fall for the wrong person, and say the wrong things. Your gonna think your world is crashing down on you, but in the end you will be able to look back and smile because it made you the person you are today.

*The trouble with love is, it can tear you up inside, make you heart believe a lie, its stronger than your pride. The trouble with love is, it doesn't care how fast you fall and you can't refuse the call. But like a drug that makes you blind, it'll fool you every time.

xoxo, D.

Letter To Him.

Dear *****,

I know we don't talk anymore, and never will, but I need you to know how I feel. What i've been through and how I've changed. I miss you. Every hour, of every day without fail. Some things have gotten easier. Some have not. I don't expect to see your name everytime my phone lights up. I can visit utah again. I can't think of you without crying. I can't help but cry when I hear our song. I can't stop missing you. I will never stop loving you. Not a single day passes that I don't long to hear your voice. When I'm scared, I need you. When I'm happy, I need you. I long for the sound of your voice. The sight of you. I never stop feeling like I need your arms around me again. My life was suppose to begin with you. Instead, I am broken, alone, and scared. I don't know how to feel, to date, or to even begin to believe in love again. Its been 1 year and a couple days since you left me. 367 days of pain, loneliness, regret, confusion and just being numb to the world. I keep trying. Trying to forget you. Forget us. Forget the love. But its impossible to forget your entire world. I just need you to know that I loved you. That I still do.And that it will never change. No matter how much time passes.

Love always,

Me